my alter ego watches me

theadvantagesofbeinganobese:

i dont know why i love you

i’m not gonna start rambling on about in how many ways you’re not attractive nor smart, because i know you are; and that just might be the problem

i told myself to find reasons to hate you or dislike you, but how can i end with only one reason on my list? smoking; something i can’t seem to hate too much or make me hate you …

i know i can separate myself from you, just stop loving you but that would mean no feelings at all coasts’ and seeing as how deep i’ve fallen for you it might just take a long time

AND it for sure as hell does not make it easier to stand 2 meters away from you occasionally or having you call my name for like the first time in half a year just so you can tell me where to put the mugs, or just so you can tell me to leave when i’m ready or just to inform somebody that you’re with me, but it happened anyways . three times in the last 24 hours and you even dared to sit next to me unlike anyone else

can’t you just treat me like everybody else? that would make it all a whole lot easier, i might even be able to speak in front of others, but no i stopped talking when i stopped loving nobody and began loving you ..

what is that even? a paradox? maybe.

i know in one of my last posts i said i would let you go, and i did, but why can’t this feeling go away? this feeling like you might just like me too, even if it’s just as friends or whatever, just someone you respect… i don’t want that with you it’s whether all or nothing and i think right now i SHOULD choose nothing.. but is that what i’d really want?

“i dont know what i want so dont ask me”

idek know how to end this shit,so when i’m done with you i might just come back to this and write a fitting ending, thats the plan ^^

lol oops still kinda not over him

It’s so hard not to give in, not to sh, not to think about the end of it all

I don’t even have friends that just listen without drowning me in puddles of pity or just push my head further down cause they think that will help.

Those who I would like to listen to me are the ones that are either too good to be true or too busy with other people, after all „I’m just no fun“

And i like boring sometimes

And i don’t like fighting

And I like having my own opinion

And I don’t like having to defend it

I think it’s really hard to keep on holding on and to know what words to filter and what words are important

When it is okay to cry or to defend myself

When to be nice and when to be righteous of myself

Basically if I don’t get a job or go back to being a house slave (this time in my own home) i will get kicked out

Either way there’s no real help in sight unless I beg for it and more or less help myself

And I’d rather put myself down and think of myself as useless or even better kill myself than trying to find a place in this world

hotwreck:

things i’ve accomplished in 2018:

• absolutely nothing 
  

fuckyourfate:

every time something sets me off into a bad mood i literally just don’t eat and don’t want to eat like “fine u wanna piss me off fuck the world and fuck food too”